"I'm Sorry, But..." Isn't an Apology — The First Commitment Every Marriage Needs
- Juli Hobby
- 1 hour ago
- 4 min read
We just started reading a book, and the funny part is, we started the same book coincidentally. Thomas found it on Audible during his commute. Juli was already three chapters in. Neither of us told the other — we just both happened to pick up Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make by Paul David Tripp at the exact same time. We're calling it a coincidence. We also kind of think it wasn't.
We loved it enough that we've decided to spend the next several episodes of the podcast walking through all six commitments together — and you can follow along with us too (more on that below). We unpacked the first commitment in Episode 111.
Marriage Doesn't Expose Your Spouse — It Exposes You
Here's something we've both felt but never quite said out loud: marriage has a way of dragging your worst stuff into the light. The selfishness, the impatience, the pride you managed to keep hidden during dating — it all surfaces once you're living life fully alongside another person with your guard all the way down.
That's not marriage malfunctioning. That's marriage working exactly as it's designed to.
Tripp puts it simply — the goal was never just a happier marriage. The goal is to become more like Christ.
As Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." If we let it, marriage becomes one of the sharpest tools God uses to shape us.
The Problem With "I'm Sorry, But..."
The first commitment is this: we will give ourselves to a lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
That word lifestyle is doing a lot of work. This isn't a one-time skill you master and check off. It's a posture you keep returning to, over and over, for the life of the marriage.
And it starts with real confession — not the watered-down kind most of us default to. Real biblical confession:
Names the actual sin, without softening it
Skips the excuses entirely
Doesn't end in "but"
There's a massive difference between "I'm sorry, but you were also..." and "I was wrong. This is what I did. Will you forgive me?" The first one is self-defense wearing an apology's clothes. The second one is actual confession — and it's the only version that leads anywhere good.
Why We Won't Let Sex Be the Apology
This is the part of the conversation that surprised even us. We've been watching some content lately from the Freemans (our early marriage coaches) about the tension a lot of couples feel around what's often called "makeup sex" — and it clicked something into place for us.
Here's the pattern we see so often: a couple fights, one person apologizes, and sex becomes the unspoken signal that "we're good now." But if the apology wasn't genuine, or if one spouse doesn't actually feel reconciled yet, that's not repair. That's pressure.
Reconciliation is separate from reconnection. They're two different things, and collapsing them into one moment does real damage. If one spouse isn't truly ready, the intimacy that follows becomes either obligatory or a quiet rejection — and either one leaves the relationship worse off than before the fight even started.
Real reconciliation has to happen first. The physical reconnection can follow, but it can't substitute for the hard, honest conversation.
Forgiveness Is a Decision, Not a Feeling
The last piece of this commitment is one we come back to often: forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling.
You won't always feel ready to forgive. That's normal. But you can choose to forgive before the feeling catches up — and more often than not, the emotional weight starts lifting after the decision, not before it.
That doesn't mean glossing over real hurt or skipping the harder conversations about relational repair. It means you don't get to wait for the perfect emotional moment to do the right thing.
And if you're the one who needs to apologize? Here's the move: confess, ask for forgiveness, and stop talking. The second you add "but" or "because," you've usually undone the whole thing.
The Question We're Sitting With This Week
Every commitment in this series comes with a question we want you to actually sit with — not just read and move past.
When was the last time you took responsibility for your part without first explaining your spouse's part?
Let that one breathe for a few days. We're planning to.
If you want to read Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make alongside us, grab it at marriagepuzzle.com/books — we'll be walking through a new commitment each week, and we'd love for you to bring your own takeaways into the conversation with us.
Whether you’re newly married or have been together for years, the insights we share can help you build a more secure and loving relationship. We’d love for you to tune in and discover how you can make your marriage stronger—starting today. Find us here:
This post may contain affiliate links and we may earn a small commission when you click on the links at no additional cost to you.
Comments